Trauma-Informed Parenting
What is Trauma-Informed Parenting?
Trauma-informed parenting means understanding how past trauma affects a child's emotions and behavior. It focuses on creating a safe, supportive environment that helps the child heal and grow over time (American, 2024).
How to Respond:
In the “What is CSA?” section of Renewing Light, we went over the signs and symptoms of CSA. The response parents and caregivers have to those signs and symptoms matters a lot. How you respond, what you say, how you parent all affect your child’s ability to recover (because remember, recovery is possible!) and grow up healthy without many consequences of abuse.
-
Set and keep boundaries with love: Let your child know that you love them, and that is why you have to set rules. Once you set a rule or boundary, keep to it, even if it's hard. Your child needs both love and structure to feel safe.
-
Talk about behavior changes: If you notice a change in your child’s behaviors, talk about it. You can work together with your child to find compromises or solutions and agree on consequences for certain behaviors.
-
Do not take mood swings personally: Your child’s mood may change a lot. Remind yourself that it is not about you, but what happened to them. Your child is hurting and you cannot control your child’s feelings, but you can support them! If your child gets angry or blames you, try to not argue or get defensive. Stay calm, listen, and show your child that you care. This will help your child trust you.
-
Keep yourself safe: If your child becomes violent, protect yourself. Let them know you are willing to talk or do something together to help them feel better.
-
Be consistent and fair: Respond to your child’s behavior the same way each time. Being predictable helps them feel secure and safe
-
Understand why they might act out sexually: Sometimes children who have experienced sexual abuse act out sexually because they confuse abuse with love or care. It is not their fault, they were told it was okay. This is very confusing for them.
-
Understand why your child acts out: If your child acts out, remember it’s because they are in pain and do not know what else to do. You are someone your child trusts, so they may direct their hurt towards you.
-
Help them find healthier ways to feel safe and loved: Work with your child to find new, healthy ways to feel loved and supported without relying on the patterns from abuse.
Examples of Rules for Safety:
Children who have been sexually abused need structure and consistency in the home, as well as rules and guidelines to help them feel safe. As stated above, there should be clear rules, an expectation for your child to follow them, and consequences for not following the rules, which your child knows about. Here are some examples for rules:
1. Privacy: Everyone has the right to privacy. Teach your child to knock on closed doors and expect the same in return.
2. Bedrooms and Bathrooms: These are two areas that could potentially trigger your child, as most sexual abuse occurs in these rooms. Set clear rules about sharing bedrooms and being in the bathroom with others. Keep these areas private to avoid uncomfortable situations.
3. Touching: Teach your child that no one should touch their private parts (except a doctor or a parent helping with bathing or toileting for young kids). Teach your child to ask for permission before touching others.
4. Clothing: Set family rules about being clothed. Avoid walking around in underwear or being nude in front of others.
5. Saying "no:" Teach your child to say "no" confidently if someone touches them in a way they do not like. Practice saying "no" with them so they feel comfortable using it.
6. Emergency Plan: Teach your child what to do if someone goes beyond their limits, even if they said "no." Create a safety plan with your child and include emergency people that they can call.
7. Sex Education: Teach your child the correct names for body parts (like penis, vagina, breasts). Let them know it's okay to ask you questions about their body and sex.
8. Language: Set rules about not using sexual or rude language at home. Keep conversations respectful and open. For children who have been sexually abused, language can be a trigger for painful feelings.
9. Secrets: Have a "no secret" rule in your home. Teach your child to tell you if an adult asks them to keep something secret.
10. Being Alone with Others: If your child is struggling with sexually acting out, do not leave them alone with others, to protect both your child and the other person. This can be the time where you teach and foster healthy boundaries.
11. Wrestling or Tickling: Sometimes, these behaviors have sexual undertones. These behaviors can make a child feel uncomfortable or unsafe.
12. Feelings and Behavior: Teach your child the difference between feelings and behaviors. Let them know that feelings are normal, including sexual feelings. However, a feeling does not give a right to a behavior. Discuss the topics of choice and responsibility with your child.
